


An Easy Way Out

by minutiaesuga



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Love, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Toxic Relationships, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25233976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minutiaesuga/pseuds/minutiaesuga
Summary: Tsukishima and Yamaguchi stay in a toxic relationship because they’re too afraid to let go of the past.“You weren’t my happiest time, but you were my most comfortable. You were my home and I was yours, but homes aren’t always happy.”
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 15
Kudos: 90





	An Easy Way Out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ninjashoyos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninjashoyos/gifts).



> a little angst inspired by the songs Hurts So Good by Astrid S and You Broke Me First by Tate McRae if you wanna listen while reading :)

It wasn’t always like this. Their shared apartment was once an escape from their problems, where together, they were warm, safe. Their twin beds were once pushed together because they wanted to be as close to one another as possible, because they were both huge cuddlers. Their smiles and kisses once held meaning, unuttered vows and infatuation that went without expression. Their relationship wasn’t always hollow.

Yamaguchi always wondered whether this was his fault. Was he the one to blame for how broken they were now? He didn’t think so. It was mutual, and now it sat between them, untouched and growing larger everyday, like some damned weed in an overgrown garden.

There were signs at the start, subtle but present. But back then, Tadashi didn’t let himself jump to conclusions. He’d stayed stupidly faithful in the thought that Tsukishima would forever come back to him, because they were them. They were Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. Kei and Tadashi. They were meant for each other. 

Tsukishima was always the silent one. He was calculating and articulate and a little cynical. He wasn’t good with feelings or emotions, and with Yamaguchi, that was okay. They made it work because they’d been friends since elementary and he could read him like an open book. Until he started to realize he couldn’t. Tsukishima stopped doing the little things that had once been routine.

In the morning, he always got up before Yamaguchi, so he’d quietly get ready and make sure Yamaguchi had his stuff ready for another day at college. After a bit, he’d wake him up with a small peck on the forehead and a softly uttered good morning that always made mornings a bit more tolerable. But slowly, he began to leave it up to Yamaguchi to make sure he had his things ready, and instead of waking him up with a forehead kiss, he would just shake him awake and walked out.

He stopped leaving sticky notes on Tadashi’s bulletin board telling him to make sure to eat, call his family, go grocery shopping, take his evening medication, or just tell him he loved him. Sometimes he used to leave little doodles too.

He still pushed his bed against Yamaguchi’s at night, but there was always something between them, like the grey body pillow they had or a bunched up blanket. 

Yamaguchi silently hoped that whatever was bothering him would show itself soon because it was slowly tearing him apart. There was distance between them, something that hadn’t been there since they’d first started their friendship.

And then Tsukishima started staying out later and later, smelling faintly of alcohol and sweat when he came home.

It never did reveal itself.

Well at least, not until the night Tsukishima never came home, and by then, it was too late. He already had an idea of what was happening. Yamaguchi had put his boyfriend’s dinner in the microwave and gotten ready for bed. So he waited on the couch for the door to open, for his lover to walk in and embrace him before showering and pushing their beds together so they could sleep like nothing was wrong. No matter how many shows he watched or how many hours passed by, Tsukishima never showed up. No calls or texts telling him he was okay or that he’d be home soon. Eventually, Yamaguchi fell asleep awkwardly on the couch, only waking up when Tsukishima finally came home at 6:00 am, bleary eyed and looking conspicuously at the green haired boy on the couch.

Yamaguchi sat up, wincing at the pain in his neck before asking, “Where were you? I was worried!”

”At a friend’s house. I accidentally fell asleep,” he replied simply, messing with the collar of the jacket he was wearing. It wasn’t his jacket though, Yamaguchi noticed. 

“Is that his jacket?” Yamaguchi asked, watching Tsukishima fidget under his gaze and wince when he realized he was in fact wearing a jacket that didn’t belong to him. 

“Yeah... I was just cold,” Tsukishima shrugged, pulling the collar tighter. Yamaguchi frowned, slowly getting up to walk towards his boyfriend. Tsukishima took steps back, narrowing his eyes.

”What are you doing Tadashi?” 

”Just stay still please. I can’t do this anymore.” Tsukishima grew still, diverting his eyes. Yamaguchi shakily reached for the jacket collar, whispering, “please” when the blonde hesitated to let go. It hurt Tsukishima to see Tadashi like this, but it was his fault.

A pained gasp fell from his mouth as he saw what Tsukishima was hiding. Littering his pale neck were different shades of purple, red, and blue and teethmarks on the junction between his left shoulder and his neck. “Tsukki? You...” Yamaguchi choked out, tracing the marks on his boyfriend’s neck.

Tsukishima had his eyes closed, his hands balled in fists at his side. He said nothing, even as Yamaguchi’s fingers grazed his neck. “Why? What did I do wrong?” 

Silence.

”What did I do?” He repeated, quieter this time. He fought to keep his emotions at bay even with tears streaking his cheeks. When he still didn’t get an answer, he suddenly gripped the front of Tsukishima’s shirt with both hands. “Answer me!” He cried out, demanding a reason for the betrayal he felt. “What did I do to drive you away? It’s fucking maddening, you know?! Watching my best friend, the love of my life drift away from me and knowing there was _nothing_ I could do!“

When he met Tsukishima’s eyes, a sob ripped from his throat, and he dropped his hands, letting go of his shirt. “You won’t even give me an answer. You’re a fucking coward.” His whole body shook. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t function. It hurt so bad. 

”What do you want me to say?” Tsukishima asked, startlingly cold. It felt like he was chasing after Kei in a blizzard, only he had no equipment and no warm clothes. He was steadily falling behind because Kei was chasing after warmth he couldn’t see, and no matter how much he called out to him, Kei never looked back.

“You can’t do that Tsukishima. You can’t fuck up and then not take responsibility,” Yamaguchi hissed through tears.

”Okay then. Yes, I cheated on you Yamaguchi.” The green haired boy let out a small whimper before the blonde carried on. “I slept with someone else last night. Happy now?”

“Happy? You’re cruel Kei. You’re a selfish coward... and I hope you’re satisfied.” He was barely audible, but it was loud to Tsukishima. The frustration and pain was palpable. He could feel it slowly filling the house and suffocating him. And then Yamaguchi grabbed his phone, put on his shoes, and left, slamming the door on his way out. The rattling of the door echoed through the silent apartment, resounding and lonely.

Thats when Tsukishima finally allowed himself to cry as he collapsed in the middle of the room. 

Yamaguchi let his feet lead him to the only person he felt could help. He knocked on the door, waiting impatiently for the person to come to the door.

When he did, his eyes widened, staring at Yamaguchi’s red rimmed eyes and bleeding bottom lip that he’d chewed on too hard, “Tadashi?”

At his name, he felt himself lose composure once again and fell forward into Hinata’s arms, burying his face into his friend’s shoulder. Loud sobs and hiccups left his trembling body as he grasped onto Hinata’s shirt.

“C’mon ‘Dashi, let’s talk inside. Deep breaths,” Hinata said rubbing his back. He lead him inside gently, making his way to the kitchen. He slowly took Tadashi’s hands away from his shirt and held them lightly, looking up at his friend, “Breathe Tadashi. Tell me what’s wrong.”

”Tsukki,” He choked out, shaking harder.

”What did Tsukishima do?” He asked softly, eyes wide with concern.

”He— he cheated. He slept with someone else last night and didn’t come home until about an hour ago. He had hickeys and bruises and bite marks all over his neck and he was wearing someone else’s jacket. I— I don’t know what I did wrong! I don’t know why he cheated on me! What did I do?” Tadashi cried desperately, his breathing erratic.

Hinata let go of his arms in favor of cupping his face and wiping tears from his freckles cheeks, “You didn’t do anything wrong, Tadashi. People don’t have to have a reason to do things like that. He’s just a piece of shit, okay?”

Tadashi only let out another loud sob. Hinata winced. “Hinata, it hurts so bad. It feels like my chest is caving in. There’s so much pain, but I feel so numb. I’ve known something was wrong for a while, so why does it hurt so much?” 

”Nothing could ever prepare you for being cheated on. You trusted him with yourself, and he didn’t respect that. It’s going to hurt for a while Yamaguchi,” Hinata simpered, bringing Yamaguchi in for another hug.

Yamaguchi’s cries were silent now. He felt like no matter what he did, he couldn’t express the pain that gripped him.

He stayed at Hinata’s for a week, ignoring the hundreds of missed calls and texts from Tsukishima begging him to come home, telling him to take care of himself, to stay safe. He couldn’t think about Tsukishima without crying all over again. He didn't want to sleep because he knew he’d just wake up and start crying again. He barely ate, didn’t shower, didn’t go to classes despite the fact that his work was piling up. 

Sometimes it was hard to breathe, to drink the water that Hinata brought him, to even move when he needed to go to the bathroom. He felt so alone, and the pain hadn’t receded. It didn’t come and go in waves. It was more like he’d been washed out into the middle of the ocean and he was stranded all alone. His eyes were so swollen he could barely see. He just wanted the pain to dull, and he craved physical contact. He wanted to feel wanted, because he felt so undesirable. Why else would Tsukishima cheat?

So for the first time in a week, Yamaguchi showered. He stood under the hot spray, rubbing his puffy eyes and scrubbing the grease from his hair. It felt nice, he guessed. 

When he walked into the living room with wet hair and only a towel to cover him, Hinata’s eyes went wide, “Tadashi? You’re up!”

He stayed silent, mulling over whether to go through with what he wanted to say before throwing caution to the wind. “Will you sleep with me?”

Hinata’s wide eyes grew to saucepans, sputtering, “What?” He must’ve heard wrong. “You mean like, lay with you?”

”No. I mean have sex with me.”

Hinata realized what was going on, a sad smile on his face, “That isn’t going to take away your pain.”

”Why not?” 

The orange haired could hear the underlying desperation in his tone, and as much as he wanted his friend to stop hurting, he couldn’t do that to him. “Revenge isn’t as satisfying as you think.”

“I’m just not appealing, right? That’s why,” Tadashi seethed, clenching his fist.

”Dashi, you know that’s not it.”

”Then why won’t you sleep with me? It’s not like it’ll mean anything!” He said, stepping closer to his friend with an accusatory finger.

Hinata closed his hands around Yamaguchi’s outstretched hand, squeezing lightly, “That’s exactly why. You’re doing this because you’re hurt and you want the pain to go away, not because you want me. When you look back, I don’t want to be one of your regrets.”

”I won’t—“ 

“Yes you will. I can’t let you do this, Tadashi. I’m not going to sleep with you to get back at him,” Hinata spoke firmly, before softening. “You’re hurting yourself too.”

Yamaguchi hung his head. He knew Hinata was right, but there was so much self-loathing and doubt in his head, in his heart. 

”Please. I want you to see your worth by yourself. Your value isn’t determined by Tsukishima or me. You’re so much more than that, but you’ll never realize it if you look to others for validation. You’re a generous person with a big heart. You’re determined and driven and you make sacrifices for the well-being of other people. You’re the most unselfish person I’ve ever met.”

Yamaguchi bit his lip, stifling the cries that threatened to escape. The warmth of Hinata’s hand felt so comforting. “I don’t want to cry anymore. I feel weak and stupid.”

”You’re allowed to cry and hurt. He betrayed your trust.”

Yamaguchi stayed silent, watched one of his tears hit the tiled floor. 

”How about you get dressed while I make some popcorn, and then we can watch a movie? Maybe we can take your mind off of things.”

So that’s what they did. Tadashi was dressed in a fresh t-shirt and some shorts, cuddled up to Hinata’s side as he munched on popcorn. They’d chosen to watch a comedy film, and for the first time in a week, he didn’t cry himself to sleep, instead drifting off near the end of the movie with his head on Hinata’s lap. Hinata smiled, brushing a few stray hairs from his friend’s face. It was nice to see him peaceful for once. He deserved a little peace of mind, even if only for a small while.

Yamaguchi finally decided to go home the next day, not wanting to overstay his welcome anymore than he already had. He was dreading seeing Tsukishima again, but he couldn’t avoid the problem forever. 

Cautiously, he opened the door to their shared apartment, poking his head in to scan the room before quietly stepping inside. He cursed as he accidentally let the door slam, hoping he was lucky enough to return when Tsukishima was out. Luck never really was on his side though.

”Tadashi?” A scratchy voice called out, making him jump. 

He didn’t know how to feel after hearing Tsukishima’s voice after a week with no communication. He kinda wished he’d stayed with Hinata a little longer, because all his pain came rushing back over him like a tidal wave. 

Tsukishima came out from their shared bedroom, standing at the doorway silently. He stared cautiously through his glasses, afraid that one wrong move would send Yamaguchi running right back through the door.

Tadashi only closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before heading towards his boyfriend. He said nothing as he brushed past the blonde to enter the bedroom, surprising both of them. Yamaguchi felt like he couldn’t breathe again. He knew that if he talked, he’d start crying again, so he just silently climbed into his bed, pulling his covers over him.

And finally, when Tsukishima return to his own bed, he let his tears run free. Silently, he cried, clutching the dino plushie Tsukishima had given him years ago. It was dingy and some of the stuffing had since flattened out to create small lumps, but it was well loved. 

After that day, neither of them spoke about the elephant in the room. Tsukishima went back to waking up before him and getting him up. He left a note every now and then telling Yamaguchi “Take care of yourself.” They gave forced smiles in public and kisses that were only out of obligation. They rarely spoke, and when they did, it was only that they’d run out of something or to make small talk about school or how the weather was.

Soon enough, Tsukishima made it a regular occurrence for him to be out all night and come home in the early hours of the morning with new marks and the faint smell of sex clinging to him. Yamaguchi said nothing. He knew what was happening. 

Yamaguchi made it routine to leave before Tsukishima got home so that they saw each other less and less. Sometimes he spent nights away too, but it was usually with Hinata or other friends. Tadashi had heeded his friend’s advice, refusing to cheat on Tsukishima. 

When they were both home, it was usually right after classes, when they both got home at roughly the same time and shared a painfully silent dinner together before going their separate ways. On the off chance that they were both home at night, they’d stopped pushing their beds together. Sometimes, one of them slept in the living room just to avoid being around the other. 

Nothing was normal, and yet this was how they stayed. This is what they’d let themselves become. They were too scared to let go of their first loves, ignoring the fact that it was killing them both. Toxic and futile. They’d stopped fighting for one another.

Yamaguchi knew Tsukishima was hurting him. He knew that he was hurting Tsukishima too. He knew it needed to end. They both needed to move on, because no matter how much they loved each other, this love burned. This love was destructive, and it needed to stop before it consumed them both. They made each other miserable.

Another night of an absent Tsukishima, and Yamaguchi steeled his resolve, crying as he packed his suitcase, his bags, anything he could carry his stuff in. Clothing, mementos, souvenirs, picture frames. Anything he could rightfully claim as his, he took. The less he left behind, the better. Every item felt like another weight on his chest, but he kept packing. He kept building it up despite the fact that now, he was hurting himself. This was necessary. 

When Tsukishima came home the next morning, all his packed bags were stored in the spare room, shut away for later. Yamaguchi stared at him, stared at his boyfriend, and Tsukishima stared back. He had his hands at his side, long since giving up on covering his marks. He knew Yamaguchi wasn’t clueless.

”Stay home tonight,” Yamaguchi murmured before slipping out the door.

And he did. When Yamaguchi got home, Tsukishima was there waiting for him. They ate dinner together, silence filled with the sounds of muffled chewing. 

And after, Yamaguchi presented his proposition, “Sleep with me.”

Tsukishima’s eyes flashed with confusion, then hesitance. Why was Yamaguchi doing this?

”Please, trust me.”

And he did. They took their showers and pushed their beds together, unbeknownst to Tsukishima, for the last time. Yamaguchi had rearranged to make his missing items less noticeable. It was dark anyway. 

They’d undressed slowly, faced away from one another. They’d both cried during it. Yamaguchi could feel the warm tears running down his sweaty shoulders as Tsukishima silently cried into his neck, and he too let himself go. His tears ran over his cheekbones as his head tilted back. He let himself get lost in his lover _one more time._

When the high over and Tsukishima finally fell asleep pressed against Yamaguchi’s back, he untangled himself from his arms, tip toeing to the bathroom to clean himself. He did it slowly, savoring his last few moments in their apartment. Soon, it wouldn’t be their apartment anymore. It’d just be Tsukishima’s.

Yamaguchi had planned to leave.

And he did. After he washed up, he crept to the spare room, carrying his bags to the door one by one where Hinata waited with a sad smile. He knew this was hard for Yamaguchi, but he also knew this was for the best. For both of them.

”One last thing,” Yamaguchi breathed out, clutching a folded piece of paper in his hand. He placed it on the dining table they’d shared so many meals at. The bad ones when they’d first started cooking for themselves, and the better ones after they’d practiced with one another.

He gazed at the kitchen where there’d been flour fights and good morning kisses and dancing until one am.

Then at the living room, the place that had experienced many movie nights and pillow forts. Where they’d slept their first night after moving in and had their first sleepover with some other friends. The place where they had game nights and small get togethers. 

Lastly, he let his eyes wander to the door of their bedroom. Tickle fights, passionate nights, love proclamations and more kisses. The first and only time they’d painted a room in the apartment. He still remembered the feeling of paint in his ears after that.

”Yamaguchi, we need to go,” Hinata whispered, nudging him gently.

He stood for a moment longer before nodding, following Hinata out of the door and shutting it softly for the last time.

He left the messy, tear stained note to do the explaining that he couldn’t have. 

_Tsukishima Kei,_

_You were my easiest hello, and my hardest goodbye. Lately though, you’ve been my hardest hello too. For you, I know I have been too. We’ve swept it all under the rug, and it’s never going to get better._

_Ignoring a problem won’t make it go away, and we both know that. It’s okay. It’s my fault too._

_I’ve been a coward when it comes to you. I always have been and always will be. You usually aren’t, but you were this time. That made things harder._

_But now, I’m going to say it. You cheated, and that broke me. And you kept cheating. I’ve never felt a pain like that, like I was suffocating with every breath I took. It never went away. These past few months have been torturous. I’ve been alive and breathing, but I haven’t really been living.  
_

_I gave you a part of me that I can never get back, that I never want back. Keep it, please. I heard somewhere that everyone you meet is either a lesson or a blessing, but I think you were both.  
_

_You’ve taught me so much about myself that I would’ve never discovered had I not been with you. Had I not loved you. Had you not cheated._

_But you healed me too. I now understand that You weren’t my happiest time, but you were my most comfortable. You were my home and I was yours, but homes aren’t always happy.  
_

_You provided me an escape when I needed it, and I can only hope I did the same._

_But in the end, things didn’t work out like we wanted them to. I believed that we were meant for each other, that we were meant to love each other and grow together, and I still do, wholeheartedly._

_We can’t do that right now though. We both hate ourselves, I know. I didn’t account for the growth we needed to do alone, but now that it’s so blatantly in front of me, I have to acknowledge it.  
_

_It’s better for both of us. We’re hurting each other like this. Staying together was an easy way out._

_I love you so much. Unspoken or not, I love you, and I always will. And because I love you, I’m letting you go.  
_

_Don’t contact me, and I won’t contact you. I took everything of mine that I could, because reminders are only painful. I’m deleting our photos and our texts. I trust you’ll do the same._

_If you love me as much as I love you, you’ll let yourself heal and you’ll take care of yourself._

_You’ll learn to love yourself like I will, and if fate allows, we’ll be together once more. Maybe not as lovers, but as friends.  
_  
_Thank you for being my moon, and thank you for letting me be your stars.  
_

_I’ll always be yours anyway. I can’t imagine anyone else taking your place. Not as a lover, but as a soulmate. We’re connected no matter what._

_Be kind to yourself, Kei._

_Yamaguchi Tadashi_

**Author's Note:**

> please leave prompts and pairing on my instagrams (@minutiaesuga OR @kozumehq) or my tumblr (@minutiaesuga)
> 
> I also have twitter if you wanna follow!! let’s be mutuals :) (@minutiaesuga_)


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